This is a story of a young soccer player, an abusive father and how I got to experience this not so healthy father-son relationship first hand.
Let’s call this young boy of 11 years Malcolm, as his name actually is Malcolm. It would not surprise me that the father named his son after the late freedom fighter Malcolm X – that of course to his admirers, he was a courageous advocate for the rights of blacks, a man who indicted white America in the harshest terms for its crimes against black Americans. Detractors accused him of preaching racism, black supremacy, and violence. I shouldn’t say this of course, as I have no idea who he is named after, it could be Malcolm in the Middle for all I know, but my guess is Mr. X– for the violence part that is.
Halfway through last season, I received a message that most of a team of talented players was coming to the club I coach at, and since these players came over to train with the very talented coach coaching the age group below ours, they had too many players to get enough playing time in games on the younger team and I was asked if they could play games with my team, even if they trained with the Younger team. My response was of course yes, as I was struggling with consistent numbers in our squad, for many other reasons not really worth mentioning here.
Malcolm and another player came over and trained with us once a week and as mentioned earlier were to play in some games with our squad. The young boy had lots of passion and showed some talent, but it was obvious that he needed some work to be up to the standard that we have on our team. He is was a wee bit introvert , very tentative but showed great physical abilities and did not lack in any effort in the first couple of the training sessions. Now, in walking through the parking lot in one of these first sessions I noticed Malcolm and his dad sitting in their car. The young boy was in the front passenger seat, shoulders down and a serious facial expression as the father was shouting at the poor kid. He had his Finger in his face, shouting and screaming and obviously verbally abusing the little guy. I walked past the car looked in and the incident continued. A minute later the boy walks on to the pitch and joined in in our training session. He was very quiet, but he played as usual with grit and passion. Things don’t come naturally for the boy, but he gave it his best in the sessions we had planned.
Next practice I notice the mother lurking around. Constantly watching, commenting and getting in the boy’s face. She literally walks the perimeter of our practice “grid” and is on her sons case about one thing after the other, specially commenting on the things that her sons does “wrong” in her eyes.
First game comes around and the father son team arrives a bit late. I did not expect them there, as they already had announced that there was a family function that they had to attend, and it would keep them from being there. I thought of this adds a positive surprise, as we would work Malcolm in to the game as we saw fit.
Out team plays in the classic division and it is our policy to work “new” players in a little bit at the time, especially as we didn’t know what position Malcolm would fit best in to. We knew he had been playing defense before, but wanted to play him where we saw it fit, as we really hadn’t seen him much in practice, but certainly not somewhere just because his parents wanted him to play there. We DON’T play a player just in one position, as we don’t feel this gives them the complete development they need to grow as players.
I work Malcolm in about 8 minutes at the end of the half, and let him play on right defense the rest of the half. The second half comes and he is back on the bench. That is when the bizarre incident happens.
The father starts screaming on the opposite sideline and is obvious furious. “When are you going to play my son”: he screams and is obvious agitated. I watch as it unfolds and try to stay calm. Then he screams-“I am getting him out of here” and pumps his chest. Now he is walking around the back of our goal, where luckily one of our coaches is warming up his team for the following game. Mr. X senior is looking for a fight and obviously is on his way to take me on. Luckily the coach stops the now crazed man and holds him back. I say loudly to him that “This is not the time for these discussions, if you have something to discuss regarding your son, please set up a time, when you are calm and let’s discuss whatever you want to discuss. AND if you continue this kind of inappropriate behavior he will never play on this team again I can tell you that. ” His son is so embarrassed, almost hiding on the bench, the father does not want to hear anything , but they manage to stop him and get him back to the other side. I think both of us are; lucky, Him – because it would not have been a pretty result if he did and I – because I would probably been thrown in jail for making a mess out of him….
The game continues…We actually play the poor young boy in 15 minutes of the second half. The aftermath includes a series of text messages from the craze man about what his son is capable of. I respond that his behavior is totally unacceptable and that I will send a note reporting the incident to the Director of the club. He continues with pages after pages of his athletic career, his son’s capabilities, his son’s position that he plays his experience and his talent etc.
I find out later of course that the man has had numerous warnings and threats to be thrown out of leagues for inappropriate behavior on the sideline.
The season continuous, the man brings a step ladder and sits on top of the ladder and films every minute of every game that his son plays on. Yes, I wonder how those conversations go after the games—Positive? I think not…..
This is of course not the norm, I have never seen anything like it, but it is yet another sad example of a couple of much too involved parents that needs to stop trying to live his own failed athletic career through his sons athletic career. The son will have so much resentment towards his parents, and will be burned out from it all way too early. 70 % of kids quit sports by the age of 13. 80% of them because it’s too much pressure from parents and coaches on winning, AND the game isn’t fun any longer….……
Of course I hope I am wrong about young Malcolm, he is a good kid and I would love for him to love the beautiful game and play it for years to come, but I have a feeling I am not wrong…
By the way the young man is not on our team this season….
See you on the pitch
Hasse
